Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Randomize
