this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Actions speak louder than pants.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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