It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
