Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
