So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
