How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
