Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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