my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
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