So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
