bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
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