She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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