When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Randomize
