my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize