Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Randomize
