sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Randomize
