You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
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