The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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