just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
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