Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
