i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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