I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Randomize
