i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
