great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
