I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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