Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
