i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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