She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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