My friends, they love my intelligence
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Randomize
