So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
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