An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
