I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
im six kinds of drunk right now
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Randomize
