i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize