i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
