I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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