dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
