the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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