Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
