hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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