I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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