just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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