tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
