How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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