I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Randomize
