He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Randomize
