You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
