I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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