my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Randomize
