He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
