The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
