Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Randomize