So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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