Girls should come with a carfax report
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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