I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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