I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
