I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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