I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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