med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Randomize
