if i can run in heels then i can drive
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize