My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
