can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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