i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
